I feel depressed and lonely and terrible. I KNOW I had a good day.. But I had a bad day.

I just wish I could drive already. I'd love to be able to go out for a drive and clear my head.

I wish I could go back in time and take back all the wrong decisions I made. Maybe if I hadn't been so impatient, we'd still be friends today.

I wish my best friend wasn't leaving.

I wish..

While other schools are in the midst of prom preparations -- PDS has theirs today, actually -- my friends and I went out bowling, had loads of fries at Jollibee, brought chips and chocolate, went back to the hotel room and squeezed onto one bed while watching 500 days of Summer on Maria's laptop. The jokes we made.. Gosh. Prom has NOTHING on today. Screw prom. It's cliche, anyway. And being comfy in jeans and a t-shirt beats having to be all girly and pretty in a tight, I-can-barely-breathe dress and heels.

Things have been going well. Jasmine has been going nuts trying to figure out who are these two guys that are pretty much 'forbidden fruit' to me. Haha. She's already guessed them, actually, I just keep saying no. It'd be too awkward if word got out. Things won't be the same.

I'm not so serious about the second one but the first one, oh boy. I've known him for a while but I just realized recently that, in fact, he's everything I've been looking for. Funny, smart, sexy.. Haha. I like uncomplicated guys. He's as uncomplicated as a guy can be.

.. I don't know anymore. I just wanna get over it, though. 'Cause I know that it isn't going to go anywhere. I'm just going to end up with a broken heart.

I'm going over to Ella's tomorrow for some girl-time + Ben-time (haha!) and some comfort food. She ALWAYS has chips, chocolate, soft drinks and ice-cream. And whiskey, haha. And I like Mommy and Daddy and Bennyboo. Hahaha. Love you, Ells. We're also planning on going on a movie/Vampire Diaries marathon, starting with Paranormal Activity. I'm ready to be scared out of my pants.

You guys enjoy your week.

Hey guys, I just got back from AFC. My first Sunday youth service! It was good. I loved the worship session -- lights off, spotlights on, good music, I loved it. The worship team also happened to play my favourite Hillsong songs -- No reason to hide, You deserve, Second chance and Mighty to save. After a light snack, we played a few fun games and were told about this new system thing called 'cell groups'. Looking forward to next week's service.

I know what I said in the last entry about feeling God's presence in my life. About not needing anything else. I don't feel like that's true. God is amazing, yes, and I need Him in my life, without Him, I'd have nothing. But I also need other things. I need friends, and fun, and someone to love. And I just can't find that last thing. And it's killing me because all my friends are pairing up, everywhere I look, I see happy couples and.. I just feel empty.

So, thanks to a couple of good friends, I got dragged to a Christian worship concert a couple of weeks ago. I loved it. I've never really been religious -- at some point, I even questioned the existence of God. But now, after many, many returns to AFC (that's the church's name), I feel awesome. God has shown me that He really is out there, taking care of us and watching after us. He has proven to me that He listens to our prayers and that the messages He gives adults and children are the same. I'd love to go into detail about this but I've told the story so many times today, I just don't feel like again. If you ARE interested in the miraculous coincidences though, leave me a message.

After praising and worshiping Him, guiding young children to do the same, helping out and meeting new people.. I just feel great. I no longer feel a void in my life. I no longer feel that I need my friends or a lover to complete me. As long as I have Him, I will always be complete, contented and safe. He will lead me in the correct direction, He will shine his light down on me, He will do everything He can to ensure my happiness, and I know that now.

I feel blessed for having such a great God. He's the King of all kings, the Lord of all lords and yet, He has given us the privilege of calling Him Father so that we may ask whatever we want from Him. He listens to our prayers and answers them -- the thing is, sometimes, we're just not listening, we just keep asking.

He does not ask for anything but peace and love in return. He is humble and simple. And that's how we should be. I love you, God.

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all faith."

- From the inside out by Hillsong United.

I love you, God, You're awesome! <3333

.. from the judgmental world out there.

First, I moved from Blogger to Tumblr but then found out that Tumblr forces me to be even more e-social. Not that I have a problem with being social -- I just need to put down my thoughts and feelings where I know it's open for the world to read but not to be judged. I guess that's impossible -- every body judges, including me -- but I'm getting pretty sick of it. So, yes, excuse my cowardliness and let me enjoy my new hide-out.

love,
Niks.